The Lost Bread

Stale bread sucks, but French toast is delicious. The other day I made use of an on-the-verge-of-stale baguette by whipping up some delicious French toast. It's such a simple and delicious way to start the day, even if it is almost lunch time. Also, it has lots of wiggle room for creativity; it can be sweet or savoury, you can use any type of bread, you can stuff the bread, you can top the finished product, or just keep things classically simple.

This reminded me though of a message Dave had sent to Daniel and I in the pre-blog days when we just waxed the poetic about food amongst each other. So I did some digging through my inbox and came across this little piece of writing:

Inspired by the latest GQ "what the fuck is wrong with men in America" - style editorial, I've decided to opine on some food verbiage. Equally inspired by my late grandmother, who was as hardcore of a 20th century middle-class francophone woman could be, this literary piece discusses the improper use of the word "french" in recipes.

I was having a lazy Sunday today, a rare occasion as of late. Given a semi-fresh baguette, my first inclination was to make some so-called "french toast". I recall the inspiring woman, in her late eighties, telling one of those stories in which the end moral was how hard life was (without the least hint of bitterness). The example she used that particular day was how she did not comprehend the common "french toast" nomenclature, and had rather been accustomed to calling it "pain perdu" (lost bread).

Lost bread simply implied that what we today call "french toast" was a means of turning not-so-fresh bread into something delicious. 

My first question is how the hell did she ever need to put this recipe to use? In a house with 9 kids, I can't see much ever going bad.

Second, how did the "french" term slip itself into today's (english) wording? Is it an implication that fracophones are more ghetto? creative? or dedicated to deliciousness? Either way, I'll accept the answer to that question as a compliment.

Just a few years ago, our neighbors from the South tranformed the wording for what had been coined "french fries" to freedom fries in an attempt to ban all things french, following France's reluctance to enter the War. Well we all saw how that turned out. Good move, take a potato dunked in liquid heart attack formula and put it as the poster boy for your country's (failed) attempt to control the world's oil supply (pun intended?). 

Thus, I digress. "French toast" is an excellent example of transforming something deemed as lost to the uncreative mind into a staple passed around a family table of eleven and ultimately influencing me, one of the 44 direct offspring of this wonderful hardcore lady. 

I personally keep my "french toast" fairly simple. Aside from eggs and milk, I slip in some cinnamon, nutmeg and vanilla. I make plenty of mix and turn the remaining unabsorbed deliciousness into some scrambled eggs. And finally, drench that shit in some maple sizzurp. Not to have at least 2 cans of that maple goodness on hand at all times is pretty much the equivalent to beating up a priest in Quebec.

Feel free to swap french toast recipes boys.

Rock on grand-maman,

David Alexandre Dalbec Marr, CHP

Some valuable insight into the meaning of French toast, no doubt. Dave has a great formula for a simple and delicious "Pain Perdu", and it is usually how I rock my French toast, too. I could go on about how to make French toast filled with cream cheese and jam, or nutella, or whatever, but lets stick to the basics.

You Will Need:

- Loaf of Not-so-fresh bread, cut into slices

- Couple of eggs

- Splash of milk

- A few pinches of cinnamon and nutmeg

- Splash of pure vanilla extract

- Butter

- Maple Syrup, 100% pure and fuckin' Canadian, eh!

In a shallow bowl or dish, crack in the eggs, add a splash of milk, vanilla and a sprinkle of nutmeg and cinnamon. Get the breakfast party started by beating everything together into a golden hued bath of goodness.

Get some butter melting in a pan over medium heat, and start dipping your bread slices into the egg bath. Flip them over and make sure the bread is well soaked in the egg. Sprinkle a little bit of cinnamon and nutmeg on the soaked bread for extra flavour and then fry the bread in the butter until one side is golden brown, then flip.

Once all your French toast is cooked, pile it up on a plate real sexy-like. While the pan is still hot toss in a pinch of cinnamon and nutmeg and let that enjoy the heat for a few seconds. Pour the maple syrup directly into the pan and swirl it around to incorporate all the spices while it bubbles away profusely. Then drizzle that warm, fragrant, sweet sweet tree nectar of the gods on top of that golden stack of rejuvenated bread.

Enjoy with a hot cup of coffee and relish in the delicious simplicity. 

NOTE:

Daniel offered up a great suggestion with his version of French Toast, by incorporating some orange juice instead of milk and some zest from the rind. "The bitter/sour combination really sets it off and provides a delicate balance that makes you want to take more bites."

Cleaning Out The Kitchen

In my opinion, kitchen gadgets are pieces of shit that are targeted towards people looking for quick and easy ways to cut corners in the kitchen. For the most part, these kitchen gadgets take up a lot of precious counter and cupboard space, loose their novelty after three uses, and don't even work very well. So why the fuck do people buy them? Because they are marketed in such a way that they seem to make a "difficult" kitchen task into a quick and easy one. Well it's usually bullshit, with the exception of two gadgets that I will admit to owning. First being an ice cream maker (ice cream recipes to come), which has been used plenty of times and continues to be used and is made by a quality manufacturer of kitchenware, so it hardly classifies as a gadget and more of an appliance. The other gadget being a magic bullet, which serves its purpose as a small blender/ spice and herb grinder, but you will never catch me making something from that 10-second recipe book. Anyway, I'm straying from the point of this post. You can do anything in the kitchen much better than a shitty slap-chop or an over priced panini press can with tools you likely already have. Instead of paying for a slap-chop, invest in a good knife and a steel or sharpening stone and practice using them. Instead of dropping hard earned cash on a panini grill, buy a cast iron skillet and stop playing about.

Cast Iron is amazing for cooking with as it distributes heat evenly, retains heat well, creates a non-stick surface if seasoned correctly, and requires minimal care. In fact, you hardly have to wash it. No wonder people have been cooking with it before I care to think about. They're relatively cheap and even better if you can find a used one at a garage sale or second hand store. 

So, I'm running off on a tangent again, lets skip to the point already. Instead of using a panini press to make a delicious and melty sandwich, grab a heavy pan, like a cast iron one, and a stack of other frying pans, pots, or whatever has some weight and is close by. Paninis are simple things. You need some quality bread, a cheese that melts nicely and your selection of fillings. I managed to find some sliced smoked turkey, prosciutto, arugula, avocado, apples, goat cheese, provolone, and smoked gouda in my fridge. There were lots of other things in the fridge but I thought these would make for some interesting sammies. I placed the cheese right on the each piece of bread so it gets the most heat and melts fantastically. Place the rest in the middle, close the sandwich, and set it in that heavy pan you got heating up. Butter your bread on the outside if you feel it necessary. I chose not too as I had some pretty delectable ingredients that didn't need much improvement. When you got your sandwich in the pan, get a stack of other pans and just stack them on top of your sandwich. I used another skillet and a heavy kettle to press my sandwich. Let it cook for a minute, give it a peak make sure its browning and melting real nice. 

Flip that sammy when it looks nice, and continue to grill on the opposite side with the pans back on top. When that side is golden brown and your cheese is melted, remove from the pan, slice in half and serve with some sort of delicious dipping sauce, and vow to never waste time or money on a useless kitchen gadget while you revel in the enjoyment of eating the easiest panini ever.

Panini with Prusciutto, Smoked Turkey, Provolone, Goat cheese, Avocado and Arugula

Leaning Tower of Panini: (1st & 3rd layer) Provolone, Grilled Chicken, Goat Cheese, Arugula. (2nd & 4th layer) Smoked Gouda, Apple, Grilled Chicken, Goat Cheese.

make dough. make bread.

A close friend and associate of mine has often mused over his ideal living situation. A personal oasis based on his love of seclusion (disdain for humanity) and appreciation for natures bounty (fueled by rampant conspiracy theories involving evil corporate conglomerates hijacking our blood stream by tainting our food with chemical laced corn and soy).

Whilst taking some time to indulge ourselves in the fantasy of living in an 'off the grid ' setting, involving solar panels, a well, many fruit trees and a few farm animals to supply your food (think Thoreau but with salt and butter) I decided to find ways in which I could draw myself away from convenient so-called necessities that support companies with values that disagree with my own.

I tried hunting in the city but squirrels are quick and rats are fucking gross. The pigeon I did catch wouldn't stop convulsing and i lost my nerve and ran away. I set up a rain barrel to collect water but no sooner did the clouds part then the chemical cocktail contained in my resevoir turned putrid and eroded the barrel.

Feeling glum and out of ideas, I turned to my instinctual passion for cuisine. A fairly staple item that is bought and consumed in most households is bread. Its convenient, nutritious, filling, and if you have two pieces and you stuff shit in the middle then you have a sandwich (see: food of the gods). I have minor training in how to prepare bread but my knowledge was of a more traditional sort and involved planning a few days ahead and appropriating natural yeast by fermenting flour over a few days. I'm trying to shed the grid here not be a maurder so I enlisted a baker friend and have compiled what I deem to be the easiest and most delicious "generic" bread recipe I could. It involves about 9 minutes of labour, and takes a total of two hours between resting and baking. This procedure will yield you two fair sized loaves that will see any household through a hungry week.

Youll need:

1125 grams (app. 7 cups) of flour (go all A.P if your into wonder bread, rock 25% whole wheat if you want nutrition

30 g salt (1.5 tbsp iodized table salt)

22g (1.5 tbsp) white sugar or honey

87 g (slightly under a quarter cup) butter

30 g (3 tbsp) instant active yeast

600-900 ml water (it varies depending on relative humidity where you are as flour is a diarrhetic)

So now youve got your business together, youre gonna start combing. Take a little flour and the (cold) butter and put it in the a food processor just long enough to incorporate (10-20 seconds) add this back in with the rest of the flour and then combine all your dry ingreidnts in a big dutty bowl good for mixin (see: popcorn bowl). Make a well in the centre and add about 200-300 ml of water. Stir your fingers around gradually incorporating flour into the mix. As it gets real thick add a little more water, about 50 ml at a time.

Continue mixing and lessen the amount of water you add until you've brought everthing together. It will be stiff in the sense that you can't draw a finger through it, but it should still be sort of slouchy. It will also be fairly sticky. Essentially when it looks like dough it is. I implore you to trust your instinct on this one. Holler at me if it doesn't turn out. But it will. Once you've reached this stage let the dough rest for 5-10 minutes with a damp cloth over top.

After its been allowed to rest (presumably you blazed in the meantime, or cracked a beer so you should be feeling chill) dump it onto a lightly floured work surface, preferably a clean one. Now you begin to knead. Essentially your going to fold from the back to the front, and then do a quarter turn. Continue this process well keeping your hands well floured and the work surface lightly floured. Its good to go light with the flour because you dont want large quantities of unincorporated flour getting in yo' bread. That's bullshit.

After about 7-10 minutes you'll notice your dough acquire a light sheen, s well as appearing to stretch over itself on the surface (literally stretch marks will appear). Stop kneading, start resting. the dough. drop it back into your bowl and either lay a damp cloth over the bowl or put the whole thing in a clear garbage bag and tie it off. Its gonna party for about an hour, during this time the yeast will consume the sugar and produce gas which will cause the dough to expand. Simultaneously the gluten will relax. Leave it for about an hour till it doubles in size. Don't fuck with it, don't poke it. Don't even think about it. What dough?

After a successful chill period you'll be so close to done that a little bit of stoke is allowed. Not too much yet you haven't really done anything. Grab the dough out of the bowl and squeeze the shit out of it. You'll feel all the air popping out. Take your reduced size ball and divide it into two or three depending on how big of loaves you want (consider that it will double in size). form them into loaf-y shapes. I chose something traditional called a 'boule' but i'm gnarly. Just make it loaf-like and don't over think it. For a laugh shape it like a dong. Send me the pictures. Let the loaves rest for another 30 min under a damp cloth.

If your a bit fancy you can egg wash it and it will come out shiny. I put a few slashes in the top cause it looks good and lets it rise better. About a quarter inch with a sharp ass knife will do (If you don't have a sharp ass knife then get one. Stop reading this and get one now. Nothing you'll ever read on here matters with a dull ass knife).

Let it bake on a lightly oiled tray at 400 degrees for about 15 minutes. Rotate half way through to get an even cook cause if your oven is like mine then it sucks. You'll know it's done because a)It looks done b) it smells done c) it doesn't feel super heavy for its size and d) when you tap the bottom it sounds hollow. Let it rest for at least a half hour. The bread is still cooking inside so get your greedy little fingers out of there. In the meantime go churn your own butter or collect honey from a beehive, these are necessary accouterments to your freshly baked bread. To store launch it in a freezer bag and let it chill in the fridge, slice as necessary or freeze half if your slow with the bread consumption.

I know this seem kind of heavy to a novice cook but its really not that hard at all. Expect to suck the first time, by the second time you'll do alright and by try number three you'll be a fucking master of the ghetto loaf. The excellent thing about this is if you bake on a sunday it will rock you all the way to the next sunday. Get a little routine going and start shopping for mountain cabins.